10:10 PM

Date:  December 31, 2011

Music: The SHINee World (Japanese Ver.) by SHINee (The First)

 -

Alright.

My apologies.

But

Nonetheless

I came to realization

As we were walking the dog

In the cold.

I’ve been writing in tPLoaMB for a little longer than a year.

And, in my second entry, I wrote about the concept of a new year, as to how people viewed it as a new start and as something important, something that would give them hope and a chance to change things.

I wrote about how it was all a large pile of rubbish.

But, as we were walking about the neighborhood, I realized that maybe I was wrong, in a sense.

And I decided that this, dear reader, will be the last entry in The Peripheral Life of a Mediocre Bystander.

But it won’t be the end, that is for sure.

I am merely opening up another chapter, another novel, a sequel to what I have done here.

In retrospect, I don’t really know why I wrote tPLoaMB. It didn’t illuminate people in regards to teenage thought, it didn’t help me sort through any of my trivial problems, it didn’t release any valuable information to me… it just is.

It is what it is.

And, I suppose, that will have to do.

That will have to do.

6:36 PM

Date:  December 31, 2011

Music: Ring Ding Dong by SHINee (2009, Year Of Us)

 -

I came to a realization approximately 24 minutes ago.

But I’m low on time.

I will add an entry as soon as I get back.

4:45 PM

Date:  December 30, 2011

Music: Me, In by Wonder Girls (Wonder World)

 -

So we were in the car.

And I turn back towards Emily and tell her what Mom said about Kibum.

And my mom goes and says, “Well, I’m sorry. He just looks so perfect.”

And Emily shrieks “I KNOW!” at an eardrum-shattering pitch.

It was funny.

But in any case, it made me think.

I was under the impression that she thought they looked feminine, that they weren’t the American’s stereotype of a man, but maybe I was wrong.

Her exact words were “he just looks so perfect.”

Perfect.

Maybe I was wrong, indeed.

10:57 PM

Date:  December 29, 2011

Music: none

 -

…though this time she asked about Kibum instead of Tae.

Ha ha, Emily. Ha ha.

Though she did stare at this one picture of Jjong for a couple of seconds.

…he was kind of making a derpy face in it, too.

Oh, you just love impressing my mother, don’t you, boys.

 .

…and the guyliner doesn’t help, Bummie. Hate to break it to you.

10:52 PM

Date:  December 29, 2011

Music: none

 -

My copy of 2009, Year Of Us arrived today.

My mom flipped through it.

Guess what she asked me.

Again.

 .

Honestly, how many times do I have to explain that it’s a boy band. Boy.

7:52 AM

Date:  December 28, 2011

Music: Como Un Sueno by Kat Deluna (9 Lives)

 -

Happy 1^st Birthday, tPLoaMB.

1:26 AM

Date:  December 24, 2011

Music: To Your Heart by SHINee (The First)

 -

Christmas Eve, everyone.

Still not feeling it.

What makes it?

Snow?

The gifts?

The stupid tree?

The religion I left behind?

I don’t know.

But it doesn’t feel as magical as it once did.

And I regret that.

12:10 AM

Date:  December 23, 2011

Music: S.O.L.O. by Super Junior M (Skip Beat OST)

 -

It’s the day before Christmas Eve.

And I’m not feeling it.

At all.

I remember

When I was younger.

It was white outside and the light would reflect off of the snow and ricochet into my bedroom to wake me up in the morning and I could just rest there and look at how beautifully bright my room was.

And then I dragged myself out of a deliciously warm bed and hobbled downstairs and ate something warm and sweet for breakfast. And then I would sit in front of the tree and look at the presents. Speculate. Wonder. Be giddy.

I don’t feel it.

I miss it.

I feel like I’ve grown up.

I don’t want to lose this part of my childhood.

Some parts I’ve shoved out the door, glad they were gone.

This?

This isn’t one of them.

10:08 PM

Date:  December 2, 2011

Music: Girls on Top by BoA (Deluxe: 1^st US Album)

 -

PLEASE.

WAIT.

Yes, it is bad for that girl to put on the headdress and say she like to pretend she’s a Native American princess.

But could you please tell her why it’s wrong instead of calling her a “jackass” and claiming how “this shit is disgusting”?

Yes, yes it is.

But please understand that she likely doesn’t understand why it’s offensive, and that yelling at her is less productive than telling her why.

Oh look here come the bloggers who call me out on regulating race issues as a privileged white girl.

 In summary: I should not be talking about this, maybe white people are too stupid to figure out what’s offensive, and maybe people should explain before they cuss other people out.

9:39 PM

Date:  December 2, 2011

Music: 마지막 선물 (Last Gift) (In My Room-Prelude) by SHINee (The SHINee World)

 -

So I’ve spent the last 20 minutes or so reading a blog by a young woman who speaks about cultural appropriation often.

And she talks about white supremacy.

And ignorant white people.

A lot.

And she’s not racist, no, please, don’t take it that way.

But I’m trying to understand.

Desperately.

She keeps talking about white privilege and white privilege and white privilege and I just…

I’m trying to understand.

Really.

She calls people out on it often, and I just can’t help but think that most people just don’t know it.

If I am so privileged as white person, then I sure as hell didn’t know it; I wasn’t necessarily conscious of it.

Which is the problem they have with me, and people like me, I guess. 

It’s not like I go around making/wearing headdresses and desacralizing their culture.

But I think very few people know that it’s such an insult.

Congrats, society. Another thing you fucked up.

I just hope that the people who speak out regarding cultural appropriation know that most people aren’t aware that they’re offending other people.

Which, of course, isn’t good.

But before people get into the nitty-gritty of it and start saying ‘oh look another privileged white person’ I hope they can take it with a bit more understanding that the majority of the white people don’t know they’re offending others.

Which should change.

But calling someone out on their “white supremacist bullshit” might not be the best way.

Yes they should be called out.

Yes what they did was wrong.

But did they know it was wrong?

I don’t know.

I bet people will read this and say “oh, see, she’s a stupid privileged white girl spouting all this shit about why she’s not racist when she, as a white person in America, is the least qualified to judge what is racist and what isn’t…”

And I get it.

I can somewhat understand why people would say that.

But at the same time

I just

It hurts, okay?

It’s not all that great to hear people say that I’m immediately untrustworthy when it comes to race issues.

Because I’m white.

I’m German, I’m Polish, some Irish thrown in to the mix with Norwegian roots somewhere…

I’m pretty much completely European.

And completely white.

Scandinavian looks.

A Blondie.

Blue-eyed.

Which kind of makes me the whitest of the whites.

And hearing other people talk about how goddamn privileged I am makes me want to scream.

Because I don’t want to be so ignorant and naïve and stupid.

But they seem to all assume I am.

Though I’m sure they all don’t.

And one of the bloggers could look at this

And call me out on a bunch of shit

And call me out as a privileged white girl.

And then I’d feel even worse.

It’d be nice to know when something was appropriate or not

But, please brace yourselves for a moment of privileged-ness, sometimes it makes me hate that I’m white.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m so ignorant.

I’m sorry I’m so clueless.

I’m sorry I guess I think I’m so privileged.

But I have a lot to learn.

And please help me learn it

Or at least help me understand it

Instead of continuously slandering me as a privileged white girl, even if I am one.